


Visiting Nowhere

by TGP



Series: Names [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Family Feels, Insecurity, It should be spelled Li, Jet needs to trust people, M/M, Royal Pressures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-23 00:11:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2526788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGP/pseuds/TGP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Li agrees to visit the Fire Nation for a family matter. Jet is... less than pleased.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Visiting Nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> If you have not read "The Search" comic, I would recommend waiting to read this for the full impact. :D I'm not following it as rote for this verse, but certainly some of it applies. And this can be spoiling for it. 
> 
> But omg Kiyi is the most adorable thing ever.
> 
> I wrote these two parts on my lj but figured I could post them here. There will be a resolution. I just haven't written it yet XD

Jet watches as Li carefully stows his few changes of clothes in the bag, using them to secure the other supplies he doesn’t want moving. The blanket he stuffed along the back of the pack so that it’d cushion everything against his back. He’s old hat at this, knows just how to make it as comfortable and practical as possible.

It takes everything Jet has in him to stop from ripping the pack out of his hands and throwing everything back in their places.

“When will you be back?” he asks. It’s the first thing he’s said in the half hour Li’s been packing. He’s sitting in the doorway to his tree room, like if he stays there maybe Li can’t go anywhere.

“If there aren’t any storms, maybe a month,” Li says and his voice is distracted as he shifts a few things around, settling them more securely. He doesn’t even look up and Jet wants to glare at him for it. “If there are… Well. Longer than that.”

“Why are you even going? Why can’t they come here?”

That makes Li pause. He looks over his shoulder, a brow lifted high, and Jet stubbornly stares him down. After a moment, Li just rolls his eyes and goes back to packing.

“It’s important to Mother and Uncle that I be there.” Jet knows that tone. That’s the tone Li gets when he thinks someone is beyond stupid and missing the point. It galls him anytime Li uses it on him. Jet folds his arms over his chest and glares at his folded legs.

“I don’t see why. It’s not like you’re involved in any of that anymore.”

Li sighs and then closes the pack, securing it firmly. “It’s not about the ceremony. It’s about supporting my family.”

Jet scoffs. He twists his gaze out into the tree limbs, following the rope ways and paths they built up. He’s not really paying attention to them, not when all his attention is on listening to little shifts of cloth and Li’s booted feet on the floor. Belligerently, he makes himself as much of an obstacle as possible.

“Jet,” Li mutters flatly, standing right beside him with the pack on his back. “Stop being an asshole.”

Jet doesn’t bother responding. He just lifts one leg and plants it on the other side of the doorframe.

“ _Jet_.”

“I just don’t get why you’re going back there.”

Li makes an exasperated sound and then shoves Jet’s shoulder with his foot. Jet lets his body twist with it and swings his legs around to trip Li up, sending him to the floor with a startled grunt. He starts to get up but the pack is throwing off his rhythm and then Jet’s on him. He tries to grab on of Li’s hands and gets clocked soundly with the other before he can. Then Li grabs his hair and jerks hard, body bucking under Jet’s to throw him off. Grappling isn’t either of their strong points but they end up rolling around on the floor for several minutes, snarling at each other.

By the time they separate, Li’s carefully tied back hair is loose and messy, his face flushed with indignation and eyes sparking bright and angry as he pants. Jet blinks at him. Then he crawls into Li’s lap and ignores another grumpy snarl to catch Li’s mouth with his. After a second of stubbornness, Li softens under him.

“Jerk,” he grumbles when they part. “I’m still mad at you.”

Jet smirks. “Well. Guess I’ll just have to do it again and again until you forget that.”

He leans in to but Li’s hand jerks up to block the way to his mouth.

“Sorry, but I really do need to go.” At least he looks regretful. Jet sags but he climbs off and helps Li to his feet.

“If you drown on the way, I will find a way to drag you back to the living just to kill you again,” Jet warns.

Li’s lips quirk at the edges, a real smile instead of polite fiction. “I’ll be fine.”

He fixes his hair, bemused over the mess, then rights the pack on his back. Jet watches so he can let every second of Li’s presence soak into him, fill him up so it won’t run out while Li’s gone. Just a month (maybe longer), that’s not much. It’ll be fine. It…

“You are coming back, right?” Jet stiffens because he didn’t mean to say that, and Li stops dead in the doorway. He turns and looks back, brows furrowed tight like Jet _hurt_ him.

“Maybe when I do, you’ll finally believe that I want to be here.”

The words hurt and they are the last ones Li says before he’s gone to the Fire Nation to witness the Appointment Ceremony for Firelord Ursa’s heir.

 

* * *

 

Kiyi is bright and cheerful and rambunctious. Li isn’t sure how exactly she’s related to Ursa, but watching his mother dote on the girl makes him warm inside in a way he doesn’t quite understand. It might just be Kiyi herself, her bubbly enthusiasm for everything bowling over any hint of ill will. He supposes that he likes her and he has to admit, the Fire Nation could use that kind of cheer in their leader.

Kiyi’s father, Noren, stands apart, watching with proud eyes as Ursa runs through the ceremony with Kiyi, gently drilling her on what all to say and do. He’s quiet enough, at least right now, but last night at dinner, he’d been lively as his daughter. He’d recounted great stories for their enjoyment, his movements over the top as he told them as much with his hands as his voice. Li knows he’s an actor and it shows in everything he does.

Sometimes, when Noren and Ursa look at one another, there’s something in their gazes that makes Li almost hurt. He doesn’t know what this man is to his mother and he’s not sure he wants to ask.

Iroh arrives home from a tour of the low lands three days after Li gets there. He pats Li’s back, hugs Ursa tightly, and then plies Kiyi with grandfatherly affections and a bright red candy. The girl is thrilled over everything and bounces between them all eagerly.

Li knows Kiyi has been in training for this for nearly a year now. She’d been unofficially named only a few weeks after Li gave up the crown. It’s still strange to see the open affection between her, his mother, and his uncle. Li glances towards Kiyi’s father and there is the strangest play of emotions on his face. Li can’t read it, but it makes him ache all over again anyway.

Kiyi bounces over and grabs Li’s hand, dragging him over to the window to excitedly point.

“Look, look, there’re so many!”

Li follows her pointing and sees dozens of turtleducks on the lake below. He feels himself smile and then grabs Kiyi up under her arms to boost her onto the window sill. She laughs in his arms and it is a sound Li thinks he could listen to forever.

“Did you know that Prince Zuko once got chased all over the pond by a turtleduck?” he asks her, his voice low and mischievous. Kiyi’s eyes go wide as she covers her mouth.

“No! Why?”

“Well, one day Prince Zuko was very angry,” Li starts and then tells the tale. Kiyi is a very good listener, gasping and awing in all the right places, completely transfixed on every word. For a moment, Li wonders if maybe he and Azula could have been like this had things been different. He doubts it.

When he’s finished with the story, he lets Kiyi down to scamper excitedly to her father and finds Ursa staring at him. Li stiffens but meets her gaze, wondering just what it is he sees in her face. He doesn’t understand but after a moment, she smiles in a way that hurts him and then turns away to speak to Iroh.

Li spends the night awake, tossing and turning and wondering why he felt so suddenly conflicted about leaving.

An hour before dawn, a servant comes to rouse him from the sleep he never ended up getting. Li dresses in the fancy robes Ursa had made for him. He feels a little like a doll and when he sees himself in the mirror, he feels even more ridiculous. The finery is too much for him and he has no idea how to feel about it when the servant busies herself with his hair, trying to draw it into a cleaner style. She stops dead the moment she sees his scar. Li goes tense– he knows that look – then he carefully pushes her hands away and styles it the way he prefers. She doesn’t move to fix it, instead working on adjusting his heavy robes and keeping her eyes from his face. When he dismisses her, she bows low at the waist and leaves quickly.

Li almost retches.

As he is not officially in the royal family anymore, Li doesn’t have to stand on the dais during the ceremony. He instead joins several of the upper class families on the viewing platforms. Some of them look at him oddly, wondering who he is, but his clothing is enough to keep them from questioning him, just as Ursa must have known it would. He tries to tune them out, settling his attention on the dais above.

Ursa’s voice is surprisingly powerful. It echos over the gathered citizens, giving traditional greetings and thanks before beginning the ceremony. The Fire Sages are as stuffy as Li remembers and they seem at a loss for the way Kiyi grins at them without a shred of solemnity in her little body. She bounces in place when they fit the heir’s diadem over her topknot and then grins merrily as the crowd cheers for her. She recites her oaths without missing a word, then bows to her people before Ursa leads her away. The fire sages start closing the ceremony but Li doesn’t listen. Instead, he watches Kiyi’s confident stride at Ursa’s side. They look a little alike, possibly because they come from the same village. And then instead of Kiyi, Li sees Azula the way she should have been. He shakes his head to clear it and then leaves the platform to get some air.

He’s not sure he should have come. Li wanders the capitol for a while, watching the people and feeling so very apart from them. Everything feels familiar and alien all at the same time. He’s not meant to be here anymore, yet at the same time he feels like he could make himself stay if he wanted. The temperature feels right, the clothes, the smells… It’s not his tree house hidden away in the lush greenery, but it could be just as good if he let it.

He isn’t going to let it.

When he finally makes his way back to the palace, the servants immediately sweep him up to get cleaned up for the banquet. Li wishes he could beg out of it, but as the Firelord’s personal guest, there’s no way he could miss the party without showing great disrespect to her. So, Li let them strip away the first set of robes so he could scrub himself clean of nothing, then accepted the new set of even finer clothes to pull on. The silks feel soft and cool against his skin and he tries to be comforted by that even as he fights the servants over his hair for a second time.

They hustle him to the ballroom soon enough so he can stand awkwardly by as nobles dance and socialize around him. Li has nothing to say to any of them, nor do they recognize his face. For that, he is immensely thankful. When the first course is served, the guests file to their respective places and Iroh finds Li, leading him up to the Firelord’s table. Kiyi waves cheerfully and Li is sat next to her with Noren on his other side. He spends the dinner between speeches and toasts letting Kiyi babble at him. It passes the time well enough.

By the sixth course, Kiyi is yawning and sleepy from a full belly. She rests against Li’s arm, drowsily picking at the designs embroidered into his sleeve. It feels… warm, the way she trusts him when she’s vulnerable. That she doesn’t even think to worry about being vulnerable with him. He… likes that.

“She’s very fond of you,” Noren observes. Li stiffens and glances at him from the corner of his eye but Noren doesn’t seem unhappy about that. He looks… Li isn’t sure. Almost nostalgic, maybe? “It’s too bad you’ll be going soon.”

Li looks down at his plate.

“You know… your mother won’t say it, but she misses you fiercely.” Noren fishes his napkin from his lap to put down on the table. “I don’t think anyone would mind if you stayed a little longer.”

Suddenly, Li feel’s choked. Everything is too close and he can’t breathe and he needs to get out, but he’s trapped right there between the Firelord’s Heir and her father and Noren’s expectations and his mother’s wishes and…

Kiyi makes a sleepy little noise and nuzzles her face against his arm, and suddenly the world makes sense again. Li takes a slow, shaky breath.

“I really can’t,” he says, but what he wants to say is _I don’t want to_ , and he knows that’s true.

Noren watches him for a moment, then smiles soft and sad. “That’s too bad.”

And then he drops it like he hadn’t said anything at all. For that, Li is truly grateful.

There ends up being another two courses, then a dessert. Li hasn’t eaten this much since before he’d been banished and the rich food sits uneasily in his stomach. He sips watery wine and watches people talk and feels again that he doesn’t belong. He tries to imagine what Jet would be like here and then nearly chokes on his drink at the mental image. Jet would have spent the whole time trying to offend as many nobles a he possibly could. And then Li remembers the way Jet’s face looked when he left and the vague good mood drops.

He keeps thinking that if he just waits long enough, Jet will start trusting him, but every time that trust is tested… Everytime, Jet doesn’t.

Li busies himself in helping Kiyi to her feet when it’s late enough they can go. She sways and yawns and leans, so he picks her up instead and she wraps her arms around his neck like it's something she's always done. He tries not to feel flustered about that. He doesn’t miss the soft look Noren sends his way or the how Ursa covered a smile with her hand. Li scowls at both of them and pointedly asks Noren to direct him where to go. Li dutifully tucks Kiyi in, answers a few sleepy questions about monsters under the bed, checks for said monsters, and then is finally released. He hopes that in another life, he got to be Kiyi’s older brother in truth.

Outside the door to his guest room, he finds Iroh waiting. The old man smiles softly, holding up a small bag containing his Pai Sho tiles. He looks hopeful and even as tired and full as Li feels, he can’t find it in him to deny the man’s presence. They go inside and a Pai Sho board had already been brought in while they were gone. Li gives it a suspicious look but he helps Iroh set up the game regardless. Iroh sits down on one side and Li settled on the other.

He isn’t a good player, barely remembers the rules, but when Iroh starts the game, he dutifully makes move after move. Iroh captures his pieces with ridiculous ease but even though Li is an awful player, he seems to enjoy himself. They play three games before Li has to admit he is too tired to think. Together, they clear the tiles back into Iroh’s little, velvet lined sack. Iroh pauses on one, running his thumb over the lotus carving in it. And then he takes Li’s hand and presses the tile to his palm.

“Keep this with you,” he murmurs. His voice is low and hushed in a way that puts Li on guard, but he closes his fingers over the tile.

“Uncle, why-”

“Someday, the meaning will become clear.” Iroh smiles and draws him into a tight hug that Li relaxes into faster than he thought he should. “You will take care of yourself, won’t you, Nephew?”

Li nods, his throat clenched up with feelings he doesn’t dare name. Iroh releases him, squeezes his shoulder, and then leaves him for the night. This time, when Li lies down, he’s asleep nearly before his head touches the pillow.

He dreams of a big family, all happy and bright, and Jet beside him with a careless smile.

**Author's Note:**

> I tend to work on this story (and others) while I'm at work and post bits of it on http://tgp-the-loser.livejournal.com/ if anyone is interested in watching the story grow before it gets posted. Or just wants to ask questions or prompt anything. :)


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